when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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