my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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