I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
