I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize