Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
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