I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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