I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Less talking, more tequila
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
