I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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