i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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