You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
