Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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