Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
