so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize