Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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