White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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