Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
