a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
