i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
