drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize