allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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