Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
