I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
