Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
