I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
