dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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