first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
