i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
