i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
