Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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