I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
