so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
