you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
FUCK WHALES
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize