God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
