there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
