dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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