Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize