hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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