Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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