Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
