What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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