You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
