So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
