you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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