I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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