Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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