"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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