Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
