I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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