Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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