I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
