11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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