At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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