Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
