Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
