I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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