Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Houston, we have a squirter
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
