you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
