Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
