its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
