there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
