Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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